Merit Pay

Well, thank God!!

Finally, finally, I am going to be paid based on the success of my teaching. At last!  I am so incredibly delighted that someone out there in the bureaucratic world has had the insight to figure out what it is that classroom teachers REALLY need.

We don’t need smaller class sizes so that we can actually get to know each child.  Don’t be ridiculous!

We don’t need newer books and more updated technology so that we can help our students to compete in the modern world.  Pshaw!

We certainly don’t need longer days or longer years so that we can manage to cram in math, reading, writing, science, history, technology, nutrition, bully prevention, health, cyber safety, time management, organizational skills and appropriate social interactions.  Nah!

Clearly we don’t need more autonomy about letting our curious young charges pursue those questions that intrigue them; why, that would only take time away from test preparation!  What nonsense.

No.  According to those who know way more than we do, what we really need is:  MONEY!

Of course!

It should be obvious to anyone who watches me go through my usual 10 hour day that I am not working hard enough to succeed because I am not being rewarded with extra cash.

How simple!  Why didn’t anyone think of this before now?

Now that I know I can earn a few extra Benjamins for the progress of my students, I will probably spend more time easing the anxieties of my emotionally disturbed kids.  Now that there is money involved, I’ll probably try much harder to find a way to teach fractions to my student with an IQ of 82.  More money will obviously prod me into finding more exciting books to entice my learning disabled readers, and it will surely help me to finally figure out a way to challenge those kids who come into class already reading and comprehending adult literature.


Who knew that it would be so easy to improve education?

Just dangle some dollar bills in front of all of those lazy, unmotivated teachers and voila!

We’ll immediately work harder, be more patient, find new creativity and manage to bring each and every child up to grade level and beyond in every subject every day. Of course we will.

What in the world would we ever do without the geniuses who come up with these ideas?


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